Neil Everett: HOWZIT! As you may have heard in the past several days on our family of networks, the greatest basketball player of all-time and chairman of the Charlotte Bobcats, Michael Jordan, was recently brutally murdered by Charlotte Bobcats forward Michael Kidd-Gilchrist after he beat the 19-year-old in a game of one-on-one. Tonight, members of the basketball community are paying their respects to MJ at a memorial service in Chicago, IL. We now take you live to that memorial service, where NBA commissioner David Stern is currently speaking. David Stern: ...Michael's impact on the game as a player was unparalleled, and his phenomenal work as a majority owner of the Bobcats will be difficult to replicate going forward. *from the pews* White Mamba: Oh, for fuck's sake, Stern, they were last in the league. Give me a fucking break. David Stern: Excuse me, Mr. Mamba, this is a memorial service. We are trying to pay our respects to one of the greatest. White Mamba: Well, you could at least put some lipstick on before you pull down his panties and kiss his cold, dead ass. David Stern: Honestly, Mr. Mamba, I have had it up to HERE with your shenanigans! White Mamba: ...Shenanigans? Really? Fucking shenanigans? David Stern: Yes, indeed! You have not coached even a half of an entire season in your three years of coaching the Sixers, Grizzlies, and short-lived Las Vegas Wangs. How can you continue to act so arrogant? White Mamba: What is this, Stern? Are you challenging me? You know I'm always up for a challenge, you old sack of shit. David Stern: ...No, I apologize. This is not the time nor place. White Mamba: No, you know what? I think it is. Give me the Bobcats spot in the league. I'll call up my boys and I'll show you who the greatest of all-time really is. David Stern: Mr. Mamba, I don't think- White Mamba: No, Stern. I do think. Get in here, maggots. White Mamba: ...Where the fuck's our 12th man? Imadoggy Dogg: Last I heard from him, he was getting baked with the animatronics at Chucky Cheese. White Mamba: ...I'm OK with that. Now, step aside, Stern. *walks to podium and pushes Stern over it, stumbling into the church aisle breaking his glasses and two front teeth in the process* White Mamba: Meet the Hot Snakes, everybody. This is my press conference, now. Pastor: But, son, this is a memorial service. White Mamba: Sure thing. Any questions? Black Woman: Child, what on earth is a Hot Snake? White Mamba: Oh, you know, it's that thing where you get drunk as fuck and wake up the next morning and have to shit real bad, and when you finally take that dump it comes out like a hot sn- Black Woman: Lord, have mercy, I have heard enough... HOT SNAKES. WE SHIT HOT FIRE.